Bar... Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Parrot Talk

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot. He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.'' ''That's alright,'' the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store.As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!'' Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!'' They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!'' The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!'' They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!'' The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!'' Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon. He said, ''The Lord is above us.'' The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!'' The minister said, ''The devil is below us.'' The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.'' Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him. The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

interesting poem

Barnyard Poem

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too I
knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

Bishop And The Ass

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey. "Anywhere I go, she goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was. ''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks. ''One thousand dollars for the food.'' ''But I haven't touched the food." ''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV." ''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!'' ''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed." ''But I slept on the floor!'' ''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars." ''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.'' ''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.'' ''It was there. You should have!''

College Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"

Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line).

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

1. He's got great hands.

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Blonde Jokes

Three Girls Go Camping


One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."


Deer Tracks


Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.


Blonde Driving


A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"


Death Row in Women's Prison


Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"


Not Going To Try This Again


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.


Blonde in Natchitoches


Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, ''Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.'' The blonde leaned over and said ''Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.''


The Blonde's Special Order


A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice cream parlor together. The brunette went up and asked for a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The counter man was confused, but gave her a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream.
The redhead went up and asked for a single dip of vanilla ice cream with Pepsi poured over it. The man was really confused now. But he gave the redhead her order.
The blonde was listening to the other two women and thought that she should have a ''special order'' too. So she went up and asked for an extra-large root beer, but hold the roots.


Two Blondes and a Camel


Every day two blonde women would come out of work together and look for their car. But all the cars in the lot looked the same, so they sat around until all the cars were gone and then they would get in the last car and go home. One blonde said to the other, ''We need to find a faster way to get home.'' So the next day they went to work on a camel. After work they came out and the parking lot was full of camels. So the first blonde went around lifting up the tails of all the camels. The second blonde said, ''What are you doing?'' The first blonde said, ''When we came in today I heard someone yell "'Look at those two assholes on that camel!!'"

IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

funny

1.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

3.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

4.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

the cunning rabbit

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female." The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

clever dog

A wealthy man and his dog were on Safari when one day the dog starts chasing butterflies and gets lost. Wandering about, the dog notices a leopard sprinting towards him, with the intention of having him for lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." But out of the corner of his eye he notices some bones on the ground and immediately turns his back towards the cat and starts chewing them As the leopard is about to leap on him, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" The leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew, that was a close call. The dog nearly had me!" says the leopard. Meanwhile, on a nearby tree a monkey had watched this scene and figured he could put his knowledge to use in exchange for protection from the leopard. As he heads off, the dog notices the monkey running after the leopard at great speed and figures something is up. Catching up with the leopard, the monkey tells all and strikes a deal. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and say, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what will happen to that canine!" The dog sees monkey and leopard approaching and thinks, "What will I do now?" But, instead of running, the dog sits down with his back facing the attackers and pretends he hasn't seen them. Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Now where is that monkey! I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

Corporate Lessons

> > Corporate Lesson 1
>> >
>> > >A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
>> >
>> > >shower
>> >
>> > >when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and >> >
>> > >runs
>> >
>> > >downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
>> >
>> > >neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
>>drop
>> >
>> > >that
>> >
>> > >towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
>>stands
>> >
>> > >naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars
>> >and
>> >
>> > >leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
>> >
>> > >When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It
>>was
>> >
>> > >Bob
>> >
>> > >the
>> >
>> > >next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he
>>say
>> >
>> > >anything about the $800 he owes me?"
>> >
>> > >Moral of the story: - If you share critical information pertaining to
>> >
>> > >credit
>> >
>> > >and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
>> >
>> > >prevent
>> >
>> > >avoidable exposure.
>> >
>> >
>>>
>>>
> >
>> >
>> > >Corporate Lesson 2
>> >
>> > >A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
>> >forcing
>> >
>> > >her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
>> >
>> > >controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>> >
>> > >The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>>>
> >>
> > > The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
>> >slide
>> >
>> > >up
>> >
>> > >her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>> >
>> > >The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
>> >
>> > >Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
>>the
>> >
>> > >church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
>> >
>> > > It said,
>> >
>> > >"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>> >
>> >
>>>
>>>
> >Moral of the story: - If you are not well informed in your job, you
>>might
>> >
>> > >miss a great opportunity.
>> >
>>
>>>
>>>
> > Corporate Lesson 3
>>
>>>
> > A sales rep and an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
>> >to
>>
>>>
>>> >lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
>> >
>> > >out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>> >
>> > >"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the
>> >Bahamas,
>> >
>> > >driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
>> >
>> > > "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
>> >
>> > >relaxing
>> >
>> > >on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
>>Coladas
>> >
>> > >and the love of my life."
>> >
>> > > Poof! He's gone!
>> >
>> > > "OK,>>you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
>>
>>> > >want
>> >
>> > >those two back in the office after lunch."
>> >
>> > >Moral of the story: - Always let your boss have the first say.
>> >
>> >
>>>
>>>
> >>
> >>
> > >Corporate Lesson 4
>> >
>> > > A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
>> >him,
>> >
>> > > "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
>> >
>> > >The crow answered: - "Sure, why not."
>> >
>> > >So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested!
>> >
>> > > A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>> >
>> > > Moral of the story: - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
>> >
>> > >sitting
>> >
>> > >very high up.
>> >
>> >
>>>
>>>
> > Corporate Lesson 5
>> >
>> > > A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
>> >
>> > >the
>> >
>> > >top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
>> >
>> > > "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
>> >"They're
>> >
>> > >packed
>> >
>> > > with nutrients."
>> >
>> > >The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
>> >
>> > >strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
>> >eating
>> >
>> > >some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
>> >
>> > >night,
>> >
>> > >there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was
>>spotted
>> >by
>> >
>> > >a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>> >
>> > > Moral of the>>story: - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
>> >
>> > >keep you there.

joke!

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wanwas involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to thehospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to thehospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!